Thought: Body Image and Rudeness

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling good?  And your outfit works out as well as your hair, make up, etc. so you leave the house feeling like you can conquer the world?  Then one person says something stupid and it all comes crashing down?

Another foray into prints!
Batty bat leggings: Hot Topic
Dress: SWAK Designs
Shoes: Hot Chocolate Designs
Bag: Amazon

That happened to me at work last week.  I was at a networking event and on my way out, some girl I've never seen before came up to me and said, "Hi!  Excuse me but have you ever considered gastric bypass surgery?"

Now, this is actually not the first time this has happened to me AT WORK so I actually had a response prepared.

"Have you ever considered having plastic surgery?"

Her response was an offended "Um, no!"

So I said "Oh, I'm sorry.  I thought we were playing a game of Rude Questions Asked to Strangers."

And I walked away.

I know some people think they are being helpful by asking such a rude question but that's just not something you should say to someone you don't know.  And it's happened to me a total of 3 times at work by strangers as well as twice by people I did know at work.  Not well enough for such a personal question, mind you.  It's also happened to me once outside of work by a stranger and once by my ex-sister-in-law just out of the blue when we were talking about something not-weight-related.  My response to her was "First, fuck you.  Second, fuck you.  And three, fuck you in the ear with your rudeness."  I can't shouldn't say that to people at work, of course.

The rudeness aside, that question makes me feel bad about myself because, in my head, I'm so large that strangers feel the need to fix me.  So I work to put a different perspective on it and concentrate more on the audacity of others and less on myself.

Since leaving high school, the only time I've ever felt bad about my weight is when I let other people make me think I should feel bad about it.  And the silliest part of that is there is only one 3-letter word that will ever bring me to tears when it comes to my body image:  moo.  Yep, moo at me like I'm a cow and it will make me cry.  Call me fat or anything else, I deal with it.  I *am* fat.  But the issues that I have with my body at my current size are the same issues I had with my body when I was younger: my large upper arms, my large thighs, my misshapen legs and feet.

But I am not unhappy in my skin.  My body and my shape do not define who I am as a person nor do they dictate what sort of person I am.

At one point in my life, I did look into gastric bypass surgery just see what it was all about.  I found out pretty quickly that even if I was interested, I would not be a candidate because of my eating disorder.  My binge eating is something that I am extremely embarrassed about and something I rarely tell people about.  I have it more or less under control most of the time and there are days where I tell Andy "I've had a bad day and I want to binge.  So I am going to.  This is what I am going to eat.  Then I will be done."  I allow it to happen but I try to take control of it.  That has helped a lot and kept me from being twice the size I am.

A few years ago, there used to be an adult-only camping event that was clothing optional and sexually free. While I am considered the modest prude in my group of friends, I used to go every year and would force myself to do things outside my comfort zone. The first year, I went topless. In front of people. It was terrifying yet freeing at the same time. The next year, I took part in a group shower. The next year, the naked slip and slide (so much fun!).  It was nothing to be walking from one area to the next and hearing/seeing all sorts of devious acts but that's not why I went. I wanted to be more comfortable with me and this was a safe space to push my own limits.

How's this for a brave picture to post on the internet?  LOL
This was also at my absolute heaviest I've ever been.
At the adult-only camping event, I was wrapped to a tree with cellophane then
accosted with water guns and super soakers until I was able to get free. :)

One of the things that helped is most of the women who went were plus sized and very few of the men were slim as well.  If anyone said anything derogatory about someone else's appearance, they were put in their place by anyone else who heard them. You don't like the way the sun shines off someone's glaring white ass? Then look at something else.

I found myself being approached by other women at the event, especially women closer to my size, and complimented for my confidence which completely surprised me.  I don't consider myself a confident person at all.  I just force my limits so I can experience as much of life as possible.

That's actually one of the reasons I post outfits each week. I know my fashion sense is nothing remarkable but my outfits make me feel cute and I force myself outside that comfort zone for strangers to see.

I think I'm at a rave in my head here.
That happens more often than you'd think. :)

Since I've started dressing the way I want to, I'm finding that I get way more compliments from strangers than I would have ever dreamed. And every time it happens, I blissfully blush and say "Thank you! " Compliments used to be very hard to take but someone I once dated made me realize that I was insulting the compliment giver whenever I'd point out why I felt their words were not right.

"You look really nice today, Sarrah!"
"No... this dress it way to tight across my hips."
"Oh. So you think I'm a liar?"

Point taken.

And since strangers have little to gain by giving kind words, I feel validated for having my outside match my inside. Well, that's not literally true, obviously, because I don't wear meat, blood and bones in public. Usually.  Lol

So, to sum up, the "gastric bypass girl" can go suck it because I am awesome. :)

Wore: It's ME!

My knee is getting worse, to the point where driving almost brings me to tears and it wakes me up at night.  Unfortunately, I can't get in to see an orthopedist for over 3 weeks.  But because I am not sleeping well, I am drinking a lot more caffeine during the day.

Caffeine (and sugar) affect me the way it would a 5-year-old.  When I pick Andy up from work, he can tell when I've had more than usual (or if someone had cake or donuts at work that day).  I think this pic sort of illustrates this:

Dress: SWAK Design
Leggings: New Look
Shoes: Hot Chocolate Designs
Necklaces: gifts from Andy

This was the only picture I took where I wasn't blurry.  LOL

Here's a close up of my beloved Nightmare Before Christmas necklaces that Andy got me for Yule:

The bottom one is actually 2 halves that are meant to be BFF necklaces but I put them together on one long chain instead.  I almost always wear the 2 necklaces together.  I've read that some people think Nightmare Before Christmas is overrated and overdone but I don't care.  It's still one of my favorite movies. :)

Because of the knee pain being overwhelming, we've been using a free trial of Fresh Cart on Amazon Prime to have groceries delivered to us which has been SO NICE!  They don't have everything we need so Andy still has to run in to get a few of his essentials but it's better than putting the whole grocery trip on him while I sit out in the minivan.

We also got really behind on laundry since we don't have a washer/dryer in our apartment.  We decided that we could afford to use a laundry service to get caught up so I found a good one that also had free pick up.  And it really was free.  Most other places I looked at charged more per pound to cover their "free" service.  Pfft.  I can math!

It felt weird sending my clothes out with some stranger.  Especially because it was such a large chunk of my wardrobe.  What if they ruined it?  What if they stole it?  What if it ended up on the black market??  Andy told me to calm my imagination down.  :)  

We had them pick up the clothes on Thursday afternoon (Andy's day off) and drop them back off Saturday when we were home.  All the clothes came back and they were folded so nicely.  Even my bras and underwear.  I never fold my undergarments.

Sidia wasted no time and jumped on everything as soon as we laid it on the bed.  Every time I open a drawer, I am still amazed at how neatly everything is folded.  All the things that are different sizes are folded to be the same size and quite compact without folds or wrinkles.  I'm really not sure how they did that!  It just showed me how much I am lacking when it comes to domestic skills. :)

Just so he doesn't get jealous, here's a picture of Rustle in a rare moment of stillness.  (That's why his name is a verb and not a noun.)

Lastly, Andy bought me a Baby Groot doll who has quickly become best friends with Claude van Dumm.  They are pretty much inseparable at this point.  Their conversations crack me up, though!  They basically go like this:

(*singing*) "My name is Claude van Dumm Dumm Dumm!"

"I am Groot!"

"My name is Claude"

"I am Groot?"

(*singing*)  "van Dumm Dumm Dumm!"

"I am Groot."

"And my name is Claude."

"I am... Groot."

"Your name is Groot?"

"I am Groot!"

(*singing*) "My name is Claude van Dumm Dumm Dumm!"

"I am Groot."

(*singing*) "Van Groot Groot Groot!"

Bought: Batty Bat Bag

With the exception of a few years in high school, I've gone out of my way to not be like everyone else.  This was so bad when I was a kid that I ended up failing a test in the 2nd grade because I could see what everyone else was answering and I wanted my answers to be different.  Fortunately, the teacher was smart and moved me to separate table during test time because I was anti-cheating. :)

Even when I go out to eat with other people, I have to know what they're ordering before I decide so I don't get the same thing.

I just don't like feeling like I am copying other people.

So when I see something that someone else has, I will most likely NOT get it myself (but will certainly window shop the f*ck out of the store if they list it).  So when Bane at Goth It Yourself posted this really cool batty bat tote bag last year, I knew it was not in the cards for me.

Except I really liked it.

A lot.

It sounded perfect for me and my needs and the bats were frickin' cute.

But I didn't get it.

Until over a year later, anyway. :)

I recently happened across an Amazon store who was selling it for a ridiculously low price (not such a low price now but reasonable still).  I hmm'd over it for a while but ultimately decided to get it.  I mean, as awesome as Bane is, I don't actually know her in person and I've only recent come out my lurk-phase to comment on her blog.  So it'd be okay just this once, right?

I have to say, I *love* this bag!  It's the right size to carry all my non-purse stuff, it fits over my shoulder well, and it zips close so everything doesn't spill out when I drop it.

Even though I will try to not get things that I know other people have, I get SO excited when I see that I already own something someone else does or if I see it on a TV show or movie.  Like this bat necklace that Meagan Kyla from Coffin Kitsch is wearing.  I have that!  Actually, I own a few necklaces that she does and I got excited when I saw each and every one  of them after discovering her blog. :)

I'm a fancy lady with a fancy purse!

Dress: SWAK Designs
Purse: Unique Vintage
Necklace: I don't remember - Walmart?  Walgreens? Walstore?

So, just how weird is that or do other people do these things, too? :)

Wore: Fancy Dancing Lady

Some days, in my head, I am a fancy lady.  I'm really not and the pics prove it but I like it when I feel fancy.  This dress does that for me.

Dress: SWAK Designs
Bracelet: Wish
Necklace: made by me

It's floor length, hugs the boobages nicely, and flows nicely over the rest of me.  It doesn't cling, either.  The downside is that the fabric doesn't breathe well which kinda sucks in this Atlanta heat.  I'm an indoor kitty that just moves from A/C to A/C anyway, though, so I make do.

I kinda needed the pick-me-up this week.  My right knee started hurting and has been getting worse so I went to urgent care after it kept me up all night; the doctor there just told me it's an arthritis flare up.  I was told in my mid-20's that I had arthritis in my knees and ankles (due to so many injuries from being clumsy) but it's never been this bad.  So I am icing it and taking over the counter pain killers and avoiding foods that cause inflammation.  It's a little better but I still can't walk well without a noticeable limp.

The worst part of the whole thing, though, was the doctor's attitude.  She seemed SO BORED while talking with me, like I was wasting her time.  Her "exam" consisted of poking my knee twice with her index finger then sending me for x-rays.

After her diagnosis she said,  "You are also so..." then puffs out her cheeks and puts her arms & hands out from her sides about a foot "...you have a lot of excess weight which will make your knees worse."

Yep, the doctor mimed to me how fat I am.

I laughed.  Hard.  I have no idea what she said after that.

It's no secret to anyone that I am a big girl.  I don't attempt to hide it and I don't apologize for it.  I love me no matter what size I am and don't let the scale dictate how happy I am.  Sure, I could stand to lose a bunch of weight for health reasons but I am who I am.  I just thought that was extremely unprofessional, though, and the old me from 10+ years ago would have been devastated.

So, topic change: my necklace.  :)  This is one of my fancy lady necklaces that I only wear on special occasions.

I made it myself to wear when I was the matron of honor at my sister's wedding in 2011.  I made it to coordinate with the one I made for HER:

I don't have a picture of it but I also made our mom one that she wore that was a straight strand of beads with just the skully cameo.  I wish I had a picture of my sister's dress on my phone that I could share.  It was a strapless white dress with a black sash tied around the waist and she wore a long sleeve black shrug over it.  It was a good combo of the traditional white that she wanted to wear with her gothy/punky aesthetic.

I am 7 years older than her and when I was 18, I went off to college so she was more-or-less an only child from age 11 and on.  I didn't start embracing my darker side until later in life and it's funny how she and I have turned out to have A LOT of the same tastes.  Unfortunately for me, she is still in Minnesota where we grew up so I don't get to see her (or the rest of family) nearly often enough.

We also ended up going through our separations and subsequent divorces at around the same time which we both thought was interesting.

Do you wear anything specific if you need a mood booster?

Wore: A hearse! A hearse! My queendom for a hearse!

I know it's cliche but one of my dream cars is a vintage hearse painted either dark purple or dark green with a black top and white wall tires.  Kind of like this one:

Source

I've always loved the aesthetics of hearses plus the fact that they make the necessary transportation of our loved ones into something special instead of just throwing the casket in the back of a van or strapping it to the top of a Toyota.

I recently discovered that there are 2! dealerships near me that sell new and used so who knows?  Maybe some day. :)

In the mean time, I can live vicariously through people on the internet and jewelry!

Necklace: ProjectPinUpAccessories.com

I got this from Project Pin Up Accessories and had to switch out the chain for a slightly longer black cord.  I love that the headlights are actually crystals!  Because the pendant is on the larger side, I have to wear it with tops that have more open necklines otherwise it just looks awkward but I absolutely love it.

I have no way of getting decent outfit shots but here's one of my 2 typical looks :

Top: SWAK Designs
Skirt: Jessica London
Necklace: Project Pin Up Accessories
Bracelet: Lane Bryant (from about 12-15 years ago)

I look so shapeless in this photo!  My apartment is too small and dark for pics like this so I have to use the mirror at work.  Unfortunately, it has a small wall right in front of it so I have to get really close to the mirror in order to see all of me and there's not a lot of room for fancy poses.

Since the details blend, the skirt is a jersey knit floor length piece of heaven and the top is a jersey knit with a high-low hem.  Most of my clothes are jersey knit, actually.  I have extremely sensitive skin so I tend to stay with soft fabrics in order to make it through the day.

I don't really wear a lot of make up unless we are going out for the evening.  For work, on a good day, it's just a little eyeliner and a touch of lip gloss.  If my skin is especially red that day, I might wear a little primer to even things out.

Here I am with no make up at all first thing in the morning with no caffeine.  I was not feeling well all weekend and still felt horrible that morning but managed to at least get myself dressed and to work.  I didn't even fix my hair!  I don't really see many people during the day so I let my sleepy eye bags fly free.  :D