Thought: Body Image and Rudeness

Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up feeling good?  And your outfit works out as well as your hair, make up, etc. so you leave the house feeling like you can conquer the world?  Then one person says something stupid and it all comes crashing down?

Another foray into prints!
Batty bat leggings: Hot Topic
Dress: SWAK Designs
Shoes: Hot Chocolate Designs
Bag: Amazon

That happened to me at work last week.  I was at a networking event and on my way out, some girl I've never seen before came up to me and said, "Hi!  Excuse me but have you ever considered gastric bypass surgery?"

Now, this is actually not the first time this has happened to me AT WORK so I actually had a response prepared.

"Have you ever considered having plastic surgery?"

Her response was an offended "Um, no!"

So I said "Oh, I'm sorry.  I thought we were playing a game of Rude Questions Asked to Strangers."

And I walked away.

I know some people think they are being helpful by asking such a rude question but that's just not something you should say to someone you don't know.  And it's happened to me a total of 3 times at work by strangers as well as twice by people I did know at work.  Not well enough for such a personal question, mind you.  It's also happened to me once outside of work by a stranger and once by my ex-sister-in-law just out of the blue when we were talking about something not-weight-related.  My response to her was "First, fuck you.  Second, fuck you.  And three, fuck you in the ear with your rudeness."  I can't shouldn't say that to people at work, of course.

The rudeness aside, that question makes me feel bad about myself because, in my head, I'm so large that strangers feel the need to fix me.  So I work to put a different perspective on it and concentrate more on the audacity of others and less on myself.

Since leaving high school, the only time I've ever felt bad about my weight is when I let other people make me think I should feel bad about it.  And the silliest part of that is there is only one 3-letter word that will ever bring me to tears when it comes to my body image:  moo.  Yep, moo at me like I'm a cow and it will make me cry.  Call me fat or anything else, I deal with it.  I *am* fat.  But the issues that I have with my body at my current size are the same issues I had with my body when I was younger: my large upper arms, my large thighs, my misshapen legs and feet.

But I am not unhappy in my skin.  My body and my shape do not define who I am as a person nor do they dictate what sort of person I am.

At one point in my life, I did look into gastric bypass surgery just see what it was all about.  I found out pretty quickly that even if I was interested, I would not be a candidate because of my eating disorder.  My binge eating is something that I am extremely embarrassed about and something I rarely tell people about.  I have it more or less under control most of the time and there are days where I tell Andy "I've had a bad day and I want to binge.  So I am going to.  This is what I am going to eat.  Then I will be done."  I allow it to happen but I try to take control of it.  That has helped a lot and kept me from being twice the size I am.

A few years ago, there used to be an adult-only camping event that was clothing optional and sexually free. While I am considered the modest prude in my group of friends, I used to go every year and would force myself to do things outside my comfort zone. The first year, I went topless. In front of people. It was terrifying yet freeing at the same time. The next year, I took part in a group shower. The next year, the naked slip and slide (so much fun!).  It was nothing to be walking from one area to the next and hearing/seeing all sorts of devious acts but that's not why I went. I wanted to be more comfortable with me and this was a safe space to push my own limits.

How's this for a brave picture to post on the internet?  LOL
This was also at my absolute heaviest I've ever been.
At the adult-only camping event, I was wrapped to a tree with cellophane then
accosted with water guns and super soakers until I was able to get free. :)

One of the things that helped is most of the women who went were plus sized and very few of the men were slim as well.  If anyone said anything derogatory about someone else's appearance, they were put in their place by anyone else who heard them. You don't like the way the sun shines off someone's glaring white ass? Then look at something else.

I found myself being approached by other women at the event, especially women closer to my size, and complimented for my confidence which completely surprised me.  I don't consider myself a confident person at all.  I just force my limits so I can experience as much of life as possible.

That's actually one of the reasons I post outfits each week. I know my fashion sense is nothing remarkable but my outfits make me feel cute and I force myself outside that comfort zone for strangers to see.

I think I'm at a rave in my head here.
That happens more often than you'd think. :)

Since I've started dressing the way I want to, I'm finding that I get way more compliments from strangers than I would have ever dreamed. And every time it happens, I blissfully blush and say "Thank you! " Compliments used to be very hard to take but someone I once dated made me realize that I was insulting the compliment giver whenever I'd point out why I felt their words were not right.

"You look really nice today, Sarrah!"
"No... this dress it way to tight across my hips."
"Oh. So you think I'm a liar?"

Point taken.

And since strangers have little to gain by giving kind words, I feel validated for having my outside match my inside. Well, that's not literally true, obviously, because I don't wear meat, blood and bones in public. Usually.  Lol

So, to sum up, the "gastric bypass girl" can go suck it because I am awesome. :)

Thought: I Might Be a Goth

This past Saturday, Andy and I ventured out of the apartment and into the fiery pits of Hell blazing Atlanta sun so he could get his hair and beard trimmed at Mary Todd Hair Co.  With his long dark blonde hair and beard, Andy definitely looks like a modern day Viking which I love so I was a little worried that it was going to be a drastic change.  Fortunately, I was able to book the appointment with Cc so I knew Andy was in good hands.  Cc is the person to cut my hair *short* way back in 2006* and I haven't looked back!

Cc going over his suggestions for Andy's beard trim.  Andy only got about 6" trimmed from his hair so he still looks like my viking. :)

While Andy was getting made even more boo-ti-ful, I sat in the little reception area by the register and one of the girls who worked there commented on my cute coffin shaped purse.  Even though it was a Saturday and was supposed to be my pajama day, I got dressed and wore one of usual little black dresses, leggings, bone shoes, etc.  There was another stylist sitting behind the register and she asked me if I heard that they were playing Bauhaus earlier.

Now, I am familiar with the fact that they are a Goth band.  I also know they have a song called Bella Lugosi's Dead.  I've even listened to them on purpose before.  But I could not tell you what you they sound like or be able to pick them out of an audio line up (unless I heard the lyric "Bella Lugosi's Dead").  I actually don't listen to a lot of music in general because my brain does not translate sounds properly all the time and gets really confused by a lot of music, especially the more complex sounds.  I have to hear a song many, many times before it starts to sound familiar and I have to listen to a band way more than that before I can pick up their nuances.

Also, Goth bands are something that only recently came onto my radar so I haven't had the chance to listen to any of them a lot.  I will tell you, though, that I really like what I've heard of Siouxsie & the Banshees and The Cure.  I still couldn't pick them out if my life depended on it but they are the ones I am concentrating on learning right now the rare times I do listen to music.

So... back to Bauhaus.  I told girl #2 that I didn't pick up on it when it played earlier because I wasn't yet familiar with them.

Spotted down the block from Mary Todd Hair Co.

She looked me straight in the eye and said "Oh.  I'm sorry.  I just assumed you were Goth."  Then started talk to someone else.

It wasn't what she said that bothered me but HOW she said it.  Like I was a poser giving Goth's a bad name.  I've never really considered myself Goth or anything specific for that matter.  I dress the way I want to dress, decorate the way I want to decorate, etc.  In the past, I've had people tell me that I'm "too happy to be Goth" or "too pink to be Goth"so I just accepted that.  It's only been more recently that I've started to embrace the label as one of many ways to describe myself, especially since I discovered a number of beloved Goth blogs a few years ago that I silently lurked for quite a while before commenting.

On Sunday, I went and got my hair trimmed at Three-13 where my stylist, Riley, commented on my purse (I love my purse!) and my hearse necklace.  That got us to talking about the comment I received the day before and how it kind of hurt my feelings even though I'd never used the term "Goth" to describe myself.

From behind Riley, a voice asked if he could butt in.  It was another stylist who works there who looks like a vampire boy: tall, abnormally skinny, long dark hair, black skinny jeans with platform boots, long black nails, etc.  He said, "Honey, in my eyes, you *are* Goth.  You've got the look and you've got the interests.  Ignore that bitch and stay spooky."

I felt validated. :)

I refreshed my hair color and got a much needed trim.

I've come to realize that you don't HAVE to listen to the music or read from a select list of books to be a part of the subculture in some way, shape or form.  That had been my belief since I first became aware of the Goth movement back in junior high, mainly because that's what the Goth girls I knew in the upper grades told me.  (Oh, how I admired them for expressing themselves even in the face of ridicule in my small town school!)

• 98% of my wardrobe is black
• 98% of my jewelry is on the spooky side
• I have a deep unabashed love for skulls, coffins, hearses, bats, spider webs, Halloween, horror movies, blood splatter, etc.
• I have a vast appreciation for memento mori and the macabre in general

I think I might be Goth. :)

I ran out of plastic caps to cover my hair during the color process so I went all trailer park and used a grocery bag.  I'm so purty!

* In 2006, I was tired of my boring, mousy look so I went to Three-13 and was given an appointment with Cc.  I told him I wanted something artsy, something fun, and something funky and I was fine with chopping off my hair which was halfway down my back at the time.  He ended up shaving the back of my head and giving me an asymmetrical bob.  A few months later, I went from my natural reddish hair to black and pink.  Cc moved on to Mary Todd and I occasionally go and see him but I am back at Three-13 with Riley just due to convenience since it's near the building where Andy works.  I also color my own hair now, too, instead of paying all those $$$ to have someone else do it.