Shared: From Unnoticed to ME!

This is a little text heavy, just to warn you. :)

Recently, Syl from There's Bats In My Coffee posted about rediscovering goth after going through a "normal" phase and it got me to thinking about my own path.  As a little kid, my Mom and Grandma pretty much dressed me and as long I was comfortable or as long as the dress/skirt twiiiiirled, I didn't really care.  My mom liked to either dress me like Holly Hobby/Laura Ingalls or in miniature versions of what she wore.

When I was 10, I blossomed much earlier than the rest of my class so dressed to hide it as much as I could.  Whenever I dressed up, the older boys (my school was K-12) would make lewd comments.  I didn't understand most of what they were referring to but their tone made me uncomfortable so I tried to just go unnoticed and almost always kept my jacket on.

Throughout high school, I was teased mercilessly because I was just plain weird.  I watched horror movies and read horror novels, I didn't listen to the top 40 (mostly 50's 60's, and classic rock), I saved most of my allowance and babysitting for college (really!), I wore thrifted clothes, I didn't follow celebrity gossip (still don't for the most part), I had a fascination with food and cooking, I made things to hang in my locker instead of beefcakes posters, you get the idea.

And it only got worse if I tried to fit in so I did my best to just be unnoticed, though it didn't really work.

In Junior high, I remember crying to my Gramma about how hard I tried to be like the other kids even though I hated it.  She asked me why I wanted to be like everyone else and I told her that I was tired of being teased and bullied.  My Gramma pointed out that I was already trying and it wasn't obviously working so why bother being miserable with my choice AND being miserable because the kids were jerks?  In her opinion, I could at least be happy in half the equation.

That actually made sense.

So I still tried to dress in a rather nondescript at school to avoid being noticed but embraced the other things I loved that I was ignoring in an attempt to be "normal."  I went back to collecting recipes, making things out of colored paper and magazines to hang in my locker, reading horror novels, writing, etc.  Outside of school, I would wear whatever style I was experimenting with at the time.  That ranged from 50s-70s dresses, feminized menswear, black... a lot of black.

By my Senior year, the bullying had calmed down since I no longer reacted to it but the teasing never stopped.   Also by this time, my wardrobe was probably about 85% black with a lot of black turtlenecks, long skirts, and long dresses with a large number of jewel-toned sweaters and blouses.

Sadly, when I went off to college, I adopted the standard wardrobe of sweatshirts and flannel.  LOL  But I went to a small university in the middle of corn fields so it was cold and people really looked down on kids who were "artsy", even in the art department which was kind of weird.

Right after college, at age 22, I got married to my first husband which was a mistake in many, many ways.  He did not allow me to wear much black along with a lot of other things that weren't allowed, like friends and artwork.  In the first 12 months that we were married, I gained 150 lbs.  Yep.  150 lbs in 12 months. So not only was I alone and miserable, my health was at risk and I quickly went back to my Please Don't Notice Me style.

My doctor wrote me a prescription to "divorce 1 (one) husband" which I did when I was 25.  (I miss that doctor!)

It was around this time that I met my now ex-husband.  He was nice and safe and supportive.  While married to him, I was free to get back into doing artsy things and just being as weird I wanted.  I could embrace my love of horror and creepy things and was able to dedicate myself to the Pagan path that was right for me.  It felt good.  But I still dressed to go unnoticed.

6th grade: I wore my jacket all the time with the zipper all the way up.
Age 22: Right after I married my first husband
Age 29: Right after I married my ex-husband

Age 29: My ex and I had a Renaissance wedding!

Age 30: This was taken at a Mary Kay makeover party.  LOL
I felt so glamorous, though!

A year after my ex and I got married, we moved from Minnesota to Georgia because he got a job here.  We knew absolutely no one and he had no interest in making new friends.  I spent the first 2 years here content with working then going home to either play computer games, watching movies, or fiddling around in my studio.  After 2 years, though, I realized I was lonely.  Since he had no interest in making friends, I went by myself to meet ups, etc.

It was at one gathering that completely changed my sense of style.  People kept mistaking me for someone named "Rosie" and commenting on how much I looked like her.  When I finally met her, I was mortified!  She was in her upper 50's and looked every bit of it (I was 32), had short hair (mine was long but in a ponytail), and a heavy smoker (I've never smoked).  But... we were both overweight, wore similar clothes, and had the same hair color.

Something needed to change.

I reached out to my little sister for help and she said, "So you finally want to stop dressing like Mom, huh?"  That clinched it. :)

A few years ago: I met Bobby Deen and Paula Deen, y'all!

Paula Deen with the packs of note cards I gave her (that I designed)

I started wearing my beloved black again which felt so natural, so good, so nice.  I cut my hair short then dyed it black and pink which I've had since then.  I started wearing the gothy jewelry that I always drooled over.  I got rid of the wire frames and started wearing funky black glasses.  Because of my size, I mostly just wore black pants with black shirts but it worked well enough for me at the time.

I taught myself to sew and discovered a love for refashioning.  I realized that Torrid and Hot Topic carried clothing in my size online and have been more patient in scouring the internet for black clothing.  I learned from Coffin Kitsch and Gothy Two Shoes that I could wear leggings under short skirts/dresses which opened up a huge new world for me.  Footwear has always been an issue because of my feet and legs but Hot Chocolate Designs has now helped with that. :)

I get looks from strangers but it's mostly smiles.  The disapproving looks from the elderly Southern Belles or my many Latino neighbors actually just amuse me.  No one picks on me for how I look or how I act.

I have slowly been building up my wardrobe and accessories to match "me" better since then.  Even my mom has commented on how my outside matches my inside better than it ever has before which is one of the best compliments I've ever gotten.

It's good to be me. :)

About 4 years ago